Interview with Hellhammer taken from Grimoire of Exalted Deeds #12
(Grimoire interviews shouldnt be taken seriously)


Didst thou have sex with Kim fromAncient? Wilt thou back downfrom John McEntee fom Incantation if hechallenges thee to a duel?

First of all, I back down from no one. And anyway, that other shit is, like, stupid rumors that follow me. You know?

Whatever happened to popeye, the vocalist from Die Mysteriis Dom Santhanas?

Oh well... he ate too much spinach. He got married to Olive Oil, and we never saw him again.

Dost thou think that thou artwasting thy talent by drummingfor a black metal band?Wouldn't a death metal orgrind band be more appropriatefor thy skill?

I could play in any type of band, even pop if I chose. And so if I thought I was wasting my talent, I wouldn't do what I do.

Thy new singer, the one who sounds like a cat that is choking on a hairball... tries to use clean vocals at times. Or is that a different fag? In any case, he sounds more gay than someone who was thrown out of a fag bar. Didst thou allow this, or wert thou out-voted by the other homosexuals in the band?

Firstly, how come you know so much about facts? Maniac, the voice you talk about, is actually the original vocalist from 12 years ago. Have you been to the homo bar you speak about? I don't understand what the fuck you are talking about... outvoted, you stupid ass!

Are there any traces of Euronymous' songwriting in thy new material, or is the riffing created by someone who adored the fat fuck?

No. All the material is new and it is solely ours, shit-head.

I am curious why thou callth thyself Hellhammer. Is it because you wanted to believe that when people were praising the Hellhammer created by Tom Gaybird Warrior, that they were really praising thee?

No. Of course not. But I think Hellhammer ia a way better name than Bill Zebub. What a rediculous question! Even fags like yourself should know better!

Art thou exploiting the notoriety of the stabbing, or art thou trying to make the world forget it? I am wondering if there is any pressure on thee to be a continuation of what was started.

To play Mayhem is no pressure. We just carry on, follow our path. And so yes, I am exploiting the stabbing... actually in the most cruel way. And if you don't fuck off soon, you can be the next.

Is it true that when thou wert stuggling for money that thou made ice-pops by putting thy drumsticks in cups of apple juice and then freezing them, selling them to kids, telling them that they were the jellied brains of Euronymous?

I've heard many times that you have a short dick.

Is it true that some of thy songs were inspired by candy? I heard that, over there, it is common to buy bags of various candy.

How stupid can you be? Of course you are totally misinformed about this, the faggot that you are. But you know, I think that when it comes to drugs that you could have had an answer. You know, I hear in the gay
world they probably call drugs chocolate, and that is why maybe I think you are so easily confused.

I heard that Grishnack played bass on thy album, despite the protests of Euronymous' fat parents. As a matter of fact, I heard that it was an inside joke that thou wert credited with the bass lines because, in friendlier times, Vikernes sucked so bad that Euronymous used to say, Gay Hellhammer can better bass than thee.

I have heard many times that you have a short dick.

Didst thou ever give shelter to an annoying American?

Never hmmm.... are you talking about Kim? By the way, she was the one who often talked about your dick size, and we all would have a great laugh at your expense.

I am hoping that thou wilt give me a guideline of which black metal bands not to listen too...

You better find out for yourself, actually. because I know what you are up to here.

What wouldst thou say if I told thee that Judas Iscariot declared himself a more proficient drummer than thou art?

I couldn't give a shit about it. If someone is bragging about themselves, so be it. That is not something I will do.

Wouldst thou say that drummers are the rarest musicians in underground music? There are tons of guitarists. But bands everywhere complain that they cannot find drummers. Or is it that, not everyone can have stamina to play in such a style?

At a certain extent it is true. I think that the heart of the complaint is finding good drummers. You know, in the underground, drummers like these Judas Iscariot guys are actually a dime a dozen.

Dost thou notice improvements in the ways that extreme drumming is recorded, or dost thou stupidly favor a poor production?

I've been in the game for 16 years now, and a poor production is for a poor musician. But it is understood that also either it is a lack of money and or lack of technical ability to play. this is usual in the beginning. It's accepted if you are an amatuer.

I would like to end this little chat with the opportunity for thee to insult me and to have the last word, as our history together has been full of insults which might have seemed as if I had the final say. Unleash thy wanton revenge upon me.

Actually, I am not going to do that since you will get off on it. You seem to be like a sado-masochist. But I'm sure I'll see you at the Milwaukee Metalfest bar, and we shall discuss these matters further. Thank you,
and fuck off.