Those who cannot laugh, are
dead inside.
Bill Zebub
Prologue.
The first time I remember
being an idiot, was when I was at school. Everybody was crying and I couldn’t
understand why. So I did stupid things to make everybody laugh. Like when I was
eleven years old, I put fake blood all over my head and I ran out to the
teachers and said “Someone is throwing rocks from the roof!” They didn’t think
that was funny. The principle, she was pregnant and she fainted. They said
“Don’t wash that from your head”. And they called my parents to say “Look, what
your son is doing!” Later on the things that I was doing to be funny were not
seemed by people as funny...
Part I
I had been on college radio
stations, three of them, before I did the magazines. And I was thrown out all
of them. The first radio station, I was no longer the student at that college,
so I was pretending to be a student. They didn’t allow to the non-students to
be part of that stuff. On top of that I was called the middle director, a
special director who handled all the metal albums, who talked to the metal
record labels. We did our shows every Saturday. They were playing stuff like
METALLICA, and I thought it was not a good thing to do ‘cos you can hear
METALLICA pretty much on the bigger radio stations. It just didn’t really
represent metal the way I was taught to see it. Because when I was in a High
School I was the listener of this particular radio station and that’s how I
learned about all underground bands. And I wanted to keep radio shows underground.
But the students, who kept coming in, they only knew the trendy bands,
commercial bands. And they didn’t want to listen to me. So, I went to the
record library and I took all the albums by METALLICA, DOKKEN and then I went
to the parking lot and threw them in the air and watched them break on the
ground. And on the radio show I asked the listeners “Please, come and help me
break these albums!” It was the first time they threw me off. And it was the
end of metal on this radio station.
Then I worked for the label
called Metal Blade, New York. My job at the label was to talk to college radio
stations. So, I sabotaged one of them. The benefit of being that crazy is that
you know many crazy people, so I just told the two girlfriends from the station
to go to their radio station and destroy everything. So, they destroyed
everything, stole the CD players, record players, all the CDs. So, for two
months they couldn’t broadcast. And then someone told the police about me. I
didn’t know it was a crime to tell other people to commit a crime. So, the
crime is called “conspiracy”. For about a year I was in court, they tried to
put me away for... twelve years! They said “All right, if you plead guilty we
will put you in jail for one year”. And I said “No, I don’t wanna be there for
half a hour, haha!” So, in the radio was the beginning of my crazy behavior. At
college I studied... would you like to guess? OK, I studied philosophy and
psychology. And it got me nowhere in life, except may be jail. As a boy, I
didn’t really hear any metal. But later, when I learned about the bands and did
the radio show, I thought I found my home.
Part II
When I was thrown out of the
radio stations I was sad. I though that part of my life was over, I could no
longer be a power in metal. When I was on the air, I was a part of mafia. I
still wanted to be a part of the metal scene as a controller. And I remember
that I also worked for the Roadrunner. I worked with them and my deal was to
talk to fanzines. So, I received them from all over the country and realized
that it didn’t have to be a special quality, it just could be a photo copy
piece of paper. And I knew I didn’t need to spend too much money. At that time
I didn’t know anything about computers. There was a co-worker who had this
program on his computer, it was called Microsoft Publisher. It was a very basic
publishing program. And they already had a newsletter. And all I had to do, was
replace the text of the computer newsletter with my own. So, the Microsoft
Publisher newsletter was called “The Gazette” and I changed it to the
“Grimoire”.
I didn’t know how to
manipulate the layout, I didn’t know anything about adding pictures or changing
the font of letters and style. So, the thing printed had the pictures of trees,
fish... stupid things! I had a free access to the photo copy, so every evening
I would photo copy my “Grimoire” and gave it free. So, that’s how I became
popular.
I didn’t care about selling
the fanzine. That was not the point to me. The people who started writing
letters back to me to criticize me, some of them gave me complements. They
said, that in most magazines there were pictures of bones, sculls and demons. And
it was so refreshing to find a magazine with fish and trees, haha! I had to
write back like “No, those was not my idea, I just can’t get rid off them! I
don’t know how to change the pictures!” It was a stupid beginning...
Part III
So, the company I was working
for, was my first experience in the business world. I never studied business,
but because I was in that environment, I couldn’t stop the information that was
available to me. Fanzine was a hobby for me, not a business. But I really liked
the idea of saving money and doing things for free. So, I never charged for
advertising as a fanzine. But one day I got trouble at work as they said “No
more photo copying”. At that point I either had to become a professional
newsprint or I could say “Good buy!” So, I thought there had to be a way to
survive. And I used all the information I had learned. I had good relationship
with a lot of record labels, I knew how hard working I was: almost every show
in my area had “Grimoire’s”. So, it was not very difficult for me to get a
financial support like advertising. It’s been like that ever since. I was
getting more and more advertising. And I am proud that I didn’t do the things
that all the magazines in America did: every magazine wants to get more money
for advertising, and instead of covering just death metal they covered
hard-core and punk as well. They tried to be music magazines of many styles. So
many more labels could buy advertisement. But instead of doing that I became
more close-minded. It’s so much fun to tell a major record label “Fuck off! I
am a death metal magazine, how could you think I’d want to interview your stupid
band?” There’s a label in Florida, Full Moon Productions. It specializes mostly
in black metal. They didn’t understand the humour of “The Grimoire” at first. They
even interpreted it as me going to war with them. So, we had a little bit of
confrontation, and a little bit of a talk.. Well, now they advertise their
products at my back page, which is the most expensive page in the magazine. And
they were happy to report to me that they never had the success with
advertising as they had with the “Grimoire”. I still make fun of their bands,
but they know that in the insult of the “Grimoire” there’s no power to destroy
anyone. It just makes me more popular. I even encourage people to complain
about me! In the beginning, when I was printing only 15, 000 copies, it seemed
that I was printing even more as everyone was complaining about me! It created
a false demographics or a false feeling that the “Grimoire” was everywhere in
America. Nowadays’ circulation of the magazine is 30,000.
Part IV
At one time I used to think
that the underground was a special group of people, and there was a special
respect. Everyone was supposed to support the scene. And when people sent me
demos, I didn’t really want to say anything too bad about them because I wanted
to support the scene. But this one demo was just so bad, and I was sitting at
my desk, and I was drinking beer. So, I was drunk and I wrote a review just to
show to my friends to make them laugh. And I never meant to print it. But then
I wrote a letter to the band and I showed them the review and I said, “Whatever
you wanna say about me, I will print. I won’t change anything you say. And I
won’t add editor’s comments”. So, they sent me a really nasty letter like “If
you print that, I will sue you, I will take you to court, I will kill you!” And
I printed this letter, haha!
Until that point I didn’t want
to be a comedy fanzine. For the first issue I wanted to be in a medieval style.
Not to use any twenty’s century slang. I wanted to use traditional language of
the poets. And I still use some of the words. It’s surprising how many
Americans do not know what “thou” and “thee”! America is a land of very stupid
people! And from interviewing me you see how stupid I am! I just can’t complete
my thought. Well, whatever made people mad, seemed successful to me. Some of
the editors wrote me “You know, your joke magazine is not going to last”. But I
have over lived them. They gave me the advise how to last but couldn’t survive
themselves.
Part V
I used to play that game
called “Dungeons and Dragons”. It’s a game of imagination, it’s not a board
game like chess or checkers. This game is more for college students or people
who like medieval fantasy. There was this magic item that was very rare. It was
called “The Grimoire of Vile Deeds”. It was such a cool name! The “grimoire” is
a sort of a book where the sorcerer writes his spells and knowledge. So, I
thought “Why don’t I name the magazine the “Grimoire”?” I changed the word
“vile” to “exalted” because... I only wanted to write about bands that were
great, haha! Well, I didn’t have a fanzine yet, but I had a name. But when
people asked me what so exalted I had to say, I answered that either a band was
exalted or my way of torturing it was exalted. So, someone is always exalted in
the “Grimoire”.
I published my first issue in
1993. But as a real magazine I have been in business for only three years. My
anniversary is April’s Fools Day. I thought it was a very appropriate that a
Fools Day is the day that I declared my magazine.
By the third issue I learned
how to change the font of the letters (but there were still bananas instead of
bands pictures). And my policy was that no interview was longer that one page. So
it would start with big letters and get smaller and smaller. My friends said
that it looked like it was made by a schizophrenic! By the forth issue
everything looked almost normal, I learned how to change photos!
About half of the labels that
cooperated with me, told me “Fuck off and die!” But I didn’t really care what
they had to say. Actually, a good review in a magazine does not bring a good
attention to a band. But a band, that is insulted brutally, its name becomes
stuck in peoples heads. But sometimes, the music of the bands is so bad, that
readers know that some of the reviews are 100 percent accurate.
The latest issues are more
like metal Playboy. One day I told one of my friends to draw Mother of Jesus...
in her underwear, haha!. And he did. But it didn’t look like Mary, it looked
like some really sexy woman with a halo. In the past the pictures that he drew,
you could understand, you didn’t have them to be explained to you. But the
picture of Mary in her underwear didn’t mean anything to anyone. So, she became
a “Grimoire” girl. And I started to receive mails from girls from all over the
world. That just became as a joke.
I use satanic images in my
magazine on purpose. The reason for that is: stupid people are a big problem. They
like to complain, to complain to the police. Because of the strange humour of
the magazine possibly a stupid person would try to get me in some sort of
trouble. Stupid persons always inform other people about me. I know that stupid
people are very afraid of Satan and his cult. Well, we have some of the most
ridiculously stupid people as our population. Most of the population is below
100 IQ. The upside down cross that is on every page is sort of my entire
vampire symbol. In legends vampires are afraid of crucifix. Stupid people are
afraid of the upside down cross. That’s why I have that. But I personally not a
Satanist. I am not a devil worshiper, but I really like the cult art, I like
the images and... it’s entertainment. When you go to the movies and you see for
example a “Dracula” movie, you don’t leave the theater believing that Dracula
is your master. It’s entertainment, it’s not propaganda.
Part VI
If there anything that could
be said about me that’s positive, is that I blow away the mystic of bands and I
show you that they are human.
Peter from VADER should be
destroyed completely! Peter is a typical Polak. He made fun of the “Grimoire”
but he was walking around with a T-shirt of that Polish general who betrayed
Poland to Nazis. What kind of Polak would admire the person who betrayed his
people? VADER also has a live album and Peter made mistakes when speaking
between songs on this recording. The funny thing is, that before the interview
with VADER in the “Grimoire” I allowed a Polish girl to interview him. Before
that VADER was on tour with MORBID ANGEL and the tour manager of MORBID ANGEL
really enjoyed the review of VADER. So, people were asking Peter about the
“Grimoire” and he seemed to have very brave words because I was never there. But
then the tour came to my area of the country. The band INCANTATION was also
with them. And they were going up to Peter saying “He’s right there, why don’t
you come up to him and talk to him?” And he said “Oh, I don’t have time for
this!” Why don’t you have time? You don’t have to go, do anything! Just come up
to me and say something. But he never did. I just stood one foot away from him
and pretended not to recognize him. And I had my back to him. And he didn’t
even make a sound. He was such a well-behaved man!
There’s a band called THE
CROWN. They are a Metal Blade band, and they had albums under the name CROWN OF
THORNS. I did the interview over the
phone with the drummer. And the first three questions were may be normal but
then I didn’t have anything to say to the band. So, I took my fortune telling
cards and gave him a Taro Card reading. But I didn’t tell him what I was doing.
So, in the middle of the interview he started laughing and he asked me,
“What
happens when you interview a band from Norway that has no sense of humour?”
Any
person with the intelligence or with the capacity to appreciate the humour, has
no problem with me. But doing interviews is not that funny when someone becomes
really mad. And most American bands are very mad!
Part
VII
Now
it’s very fast to make an issue. It takes may be a week to actually put
everything together. But the magazine cannot be done within a week, ‘cos I
can’t interview everybody in that short amount of time. So, I need at least two
months for all the current albums to be taken care of. Usually the record label
wants you to interview a band because the band has a new album, ‘cos it’s sort
of an extra advertisement for the album. That’s why I try never to talk about
music! So, for instance the band THE CROWN, if I wanna interview them during a
year, it would never be a phone interview, it would have to be through e-mail.
I hate that. ‘Cos for my humour to work, it has to be in person. And also for
me to make someone mad it has to be in person. That’s the reason why it doesn’t
come up more often. Of course, with local bands or bands that I have the phone
numbers of, that can happen any time. But who cares about them? No, just
kidding! On top of that it takes time to distribute 30,000 copies. I would mail
1,000 to distributor but that doesn’t mean that in one day 1,000 magazines are
in the public.
I
do lose advertisers every issue but they come back two issues later. Actually,
labels don’t do me a favor by sending me promos! May be if I were a teenager
starting out a fanzine, may be that would be my motivation to have free CDs.
But it doesn’t really cost that much money to buy a CD. Let’s see: the album
review is the size of quarter page. For me it’s $150. So, when they give me an
album, that’s like me giving them $150 when I print a review. And they don’t
see that. But the promo only costs one dollar! So, labels try to give me a sort
of guilt trip, as they say in America, but it’s not true. People should realize
that I am not so stupid as I act in the magazine. I have friends who have
labels, I know the business of a record label. They cannot try to manipulate me
with their false information.
Part
VIII
Zebub
was a god and the Hebrews used this as a demon, Lord of lies. Ba’alzebeeb. My
real name is not Bill. The reason I say my name is Bill is because when I was a
child other children ridiculed me. ‘Cos the Americans don’t like anything
different. My real name is Vladislav. I was born in Prague. And my father is
Ukranian.. And my last name is Turijanchik. So, I picked the most American name
I could think of, and that was Bill. The silly thing is that my social security
card has the name Bill on it, and I think that when I’m an old man, when I get
my pension, I will be a big problem as my name is not Bill! I think I will die
before I have this problem.
Epilogue
I didn’t have any dreams of
becoming a magazine. I just wanted to do it until I could find the way back to
the radio. And the funny thing is, when I became a magazine, that helped me to
be taken seriously enough to have a radio show again. All my mistakes are now
in the past. I cannot make fun of anyone now, insult any nationality. I can’t
say the word “gay”. I like this word because it makes people so mad! In the
United States people are trying to be politically correct to show how mature
they are. So, this time I am safe, I try not to make mistakes. I remember I was
once beat up by eight or nine people! I interviewed a band on the radio station
and the bass player brought his girlfriend with him. And I asked her to come
back the next week and she read her boyfriend’s love letters on the radio. He
didn’t think it was very funny! I was on the floor, people kicked me in the
head... But nothing happened, I still have all my teeth, they didn’t break my
nose. Nothing happened with the magazine yet. I find it surprising. I think I do the things that are worse than showing
the world your love letters. May be one day I will print that boy love letters,
haha! Have another beating. When I go to a show I must make sure nobody’s
following me when I go the bathroom. I learned that I can never trust friends
to interfere or help me in a fight. But I can trust people to call the police
or ambulance. I would never think that anyone would ever join the battle when a
band is exacting vengeance upon Bill Zebub, haha!